losing a loved one – Moving Forward

For The Birds

“Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid: you are worth more than the sparrows”- Jesus. Luke 12:6-7.

When I was younger, I never really gave much thought to birds. My Mom did though, and my Aunt Betty. Both were avid bird watchers and bird feeders. Every day my mom would watch the feeder planted in the ground outside the kitchen window to study and make note of the birds eating from the feeder. She could name most all of them. My Aunt Betty was the same. They even had photo reference guide books, if a new strange and unknown bird should land on the perch. But in the past few years my view of birds has changed.

I remember the first time I heard someone mention the visits they had from cardinals after a loved one passed. It was on a television program and I kinda just waived it off as some sort of old wives tales, or in contemporary terms, an urban legend. There was something seemingly so unspiritual for this Baptist grounded woman to accept any messages from dead people in the form of a red cardinal.

When my mom died, I started to see hummingbirds whenever I visited my parents home, at precise moments- the moments when I was finding myself overcome with grief. I began to see that maybe there was the potential for birds to be sort of messengers from God. My mom loved her birds, but especially hummingbirds. It brought me comfort at the time and so I put it in the back of my mind to ponder.

That is until this past year, when a pesky little male cardinal-the red ones- has been appearing everywhere. This past year my dad died and also my husband and I moved to a new house in a new neighborhood. At our old house we had beautiful hedges that the birds liked to build their nests in and hide. Over the time we lived there I would see a few cardinals, but never daily, just once in a while. But when we moved, we lost the hedges and moved into a new housing development, which means no grown trees and shrubs.

But since our move, a little cardinal came out of no where and would sit outside my window and sing his little birdy wakeup song at daylight- every morning. But as I began to think about how this bird appeared shortly after my dad passed, I began to wonder if the story of cardinals visiting after loved ones have passed could have some truth to it.

And then this cardinal started showing up everywhere I travelled. At our daughter’s home, right outside the guest room window, in traveling on the highways, and I think even on a trip to France. There have been pairs of cardinals (male and female) who fly across my windshield right in front of me, so as to not let me miss this greeting. Maybe I’m just noticing more, or maybe there is truth in this legend.

Last week was a particularly difficult week and I found myself faced with many decisions to make- and honestly, I’m not so great at deciding. I was watching a video from the university I attend as part of my online curriculum from my desk. My window blinds were raised so I could catch the view of our garden out the window as I worked on my homework for the course. As the video was ending, I felt at peace with the decision I was struggling to make, when I caught something just outside the window in the corner of my eye. A pair of hummingbirds was pausing mid-flight to stop, and stare at me sitting at my desk, doing my homework. Wow! It left me speechless.

As I have been thinking about whether or not this is from God, I considered just how many examples from the Bible mention birds, included the one I have shared above. The conclusion I’ve drawn is that yes, God can and does use birds to deliver messages of hope. As Jesus is mentioning above, God knows each sparrow, they are not random, and since He knows the smallest little details, including the number of hairs on your head, He will take care of you.

If you think for a moment about other times birds are mentioned- the dove who brought back the olive branch for Noah after the flood, the Holy Spirit mentioned as like a dove, coming down from Heaven at Jesus’ baptism by John, as well as Jesus’ using birds for His teachings, it is not unreasonable to think that God could send little winged messengers to us. And I don’t mean angels. Just little birds to remind us, that we are going to be okay. Birds are not overlooked by God, and it is as if the birds are trying to remind us that they know God looks after them so we should trust God with all our stuff too- our finances, our struggles, our lives, our relationships, our decisions.

This has just been a thought for today, and I’d like to hear your feedback. Do you think God uses birds to teach us? God Bless, Nancy

How to Save A life

I have never thought of myself as any kind of life saver. Not in any philosophical term, I’m a mom so I have saved my kids lives many times over, the forgotten book, homework assignment, sports uniform, cleats, you get the idea. But I mean REALLY literally saving a human life by intervening. I highly respect those who have answered the call to be an EMT or firefighters or police officers, or emergency room personnel. But I was recently told that I had saved the life of another person through my calling and gift; writing. If you are new to this site and aren’t aware I wrote and published a book last year (2024) about my mom and how her loss affected me deeply. It also is about how the medical community unfairly treats the medically vulnerable, those that cannot speak for themselves. If you are interested in reading my story, the book can be found at Amazon, as well as Barnes and Noble, and Walmart, Target and other online book sites. Look for Undone: Letting Go of Perfection, What Grief Taught Me About Faith by Nancy Jalbert.

It has slowly been gaining traction and readers through a grass roots effort as I do not commercially market the book. One of the readers, a co-worker of my husband read the book and has now purchased and passed books on for others to read because she witnessed for herself a similar incident with two elderly relatives. It is because of her story that I share this blog. I believe it can make the difference in many more lives and might even save a life as it did for her family.

She had been given the book by my husband to read because she had an older relative that was sick and it had been recommended that the family commit the relative to a hospice center, but she was feeling unsure. Once she had the book she realized that hospice was not going to be the right decision for the relative and said she would pass the book onto other family members who could learn for themselves the sometimes horrific and painful truth of for- profit medicine in the United States.

That sounds pretty good, but wait a minute until I share the REST of the story. A few months later she related that my book had saved her grandfather’s life. Her grandfather has taken ill suddenly and wasn’t quite himself, and the medical professionals were believing he was suffering from dementia or some other terminal illness while he was in the hospital. The man’s son(her father) questioned the medical team and their recommendation that the gentleman be moved to a hospice center to die. He pulled his father from the hospital and went to another medical facility to be checked out and what’s crazy is it was a completely different prognosis. The elderly gentleman, the grandfather of my husband’s co- worker had a UTI or Urinary Tract Infection. In elderly folks the effects are often cognitive, rather than physical as with younger patients.

So when my husband called from work one day he was excited to share that I had saved a life! His co-worker after reading my book, was well prepared in advance as to what was about to happen after a patient is recommended for palliative or hospice care. ( I realize there are still some hospice related services that are legit, but since it was deregulated in the United States there is a shocking increase as well as reduction in time for patients to spend in hospice) The longer the patient requires hospitalization or hospice care the cost to the insurance companies and medicare/ medicaid increases, so there is a push and a specific terminology used in the cases to provide a smokescreen for what is really happening. Families are blindsided as I was with my mom, who entered the hospital with a fractured hip and was told we needed to put her into a palliative care protocol, rather than operate to repair her hip. We didn’t know what was happening to her but were given a scripted protocol that attempted to explain it to us in a way that made it seem like the right thing to do. Sadly, by the time we figured out what was happening to my mom it was too late. I was shocked, angry and hurt and my story describes the struggle I had going through this experience.

But, as I see it now, God did have a reason for my trial and pain, to help others who are either going through it, or hopefully to bring awareness to this tragedy happening daily in hospitals, nursing homes, assisted living centers and hospice centers. Remember, when you have a hard story to tell, share it, you just might save someone else’s life or help them through their difficult time or maybe prevent it. We need to share our stories and ourselves. Jesus commanded that we should observe two greatest commandments to love God and love our neighbor. Who is your neighbor? Who can you demonstrate the love of God toward? Maybe it will be to share your story, maybe it will save the life of your neighbor. God Bless- Nancy

Grieving at Christmas

It was 6 a.m. when the call came. My husband was still asleep so I slipped into the bathroom to answer my phone so as to not disturb him. It was a call I had been expecting, but not on this morning. I turned the light on, shut the door and groggily said “hello”. It was Christmas morning. December 25. A day of celebration. A day of happy family time together. Of presents shared and food. But, it wasn’t a day to celebrate for me. My mom had just died. On Christmas morning.

While others would be waking up and anticipating the joy. My heart was broken. I decided to not tell our kids- teenagers at the time- until after they had opened their gifts and had their Christmas breakfast- a mixture of special sweets and candy, I didn’t want to steal their joy. To take away or diminish their day. Even though my joy was completely gone. I felt empty and helpless. And numb.

Usually I would be writing of the joy of Christmas, the hope found in a relationship with Jesus at this advent of Christmas. But I know that many of you are hurting this Christmas. Your joy is missing. You are going through the motions of celebrating Christmas, but you heart is just not in it. You are in pain. Your loved one is gone. And you miss them terribly. It is difficult to celebrate. The world is moving around you, but you are stuck in the place of grief.

I can tell you. It will get better. The hurt will fade a little. Memories that make you cry now, will make you laugh with joy. If not today then someday. When you have had time to heal. From your loss. You loved this person who is not with you now. So it is okay to miss them. Even when we know, in our minds at least, that they are better now, that they are celebrating Christmas in Heaven. It is still okay to miss them. It is okay to cry.

In my helpless moment on that Christmas now 8 years ago, I found one thing I could do. We packed into our mini van and drove to the beach. On the way out the door, I grabbed the bouquet of flowers off the table. I needed to do something. To not feel helpless. My parents lived several hours away, so I knew I would be making travel plans later. But there was nothing I could do today, on Christmas Day. But I needed to do something, something that I could feel control over. So, my drive to the ocean- about forty -five minutes, felt like the answer.

We rode in silence, my hands firmly gripping the flowers. We weren’t the only ones there. People were running, playing and celebrating. But I wasn’t. I had formed a plan on the drive. I would throw the flowers into the ocean and say a prayer. We each took a flower from the bouquet and tossed them into the water. We watch as the waves took them down the beach and some out into the ocean. It was my way to say goodbye to my mom. It gave me some control over my grief that day.

We also wrote out my mom’s name in the sand with her epitaph. Her dates of living. One person walked past and saw what we had written and softly said, “I’m sorry” That helped me that day. We have been making the same trip every Christmas since.

It has been a way to remember her. Remember the past year and reflect and pray. And that is the one thing I want to offer you today. It is okay to do something to remember your loved one at Christmas. Place a special ornament on your tree, Visit the ocean or another quiet place. Don’t be afraid to slow down from all the busyness of Christmas. Allow yourself some time to grieve. Grief is a journey. It is not a destination. There will be times, even years from now when you will find yourself crying. It is okay.

Pray. Often. Ask God for comfort. Ask God to send friends to comfort us. We need it. We don’t have to grieve alone. God does understand our grief; our pain. He became one of us. He hurt. He wept. But because He became a man, in Jesus, we can have this hope. The hope that we will see our loved one again. Through your tears, may you hold on tightly to this hope. It is the message of Christmas. Death robs us. Jesus comes to make it right. He came to defeat death. It is worth celebrating, even through our tears. God bless you – Nancy

At A Loss For Words

She passed. Two words with the power to break me to my knees. I knew it was coming, but the words had interrupted my dinner and I pushed back my plate. My stomach began to tighten and I no longer was hungry. I tried to calm myself enough to respond to the person on the other end of the phone. My voice was shaky, but I managed to utter “Okay”.

No matter how long someone has graced this planet, death still hurts. It leaves an absence in our lives. Certain people touch our lives to the point where they have been a part of who we are, of who we have become. They inspire us and mold us, acting as a foundation, a pillar if you will. When they die, we feel the foundations of our lives shake and wobble, like a tremor. We can no longer seek out their advice or tell them of our latest accomplishments for which we are proud. There is an empty place now that they use to fill.

We can’t go through this life without feeling this emptiness caused by the death of someone we were close to. We know it and understand the finite quality of this life. As Christians who believe in eternal life, we know that this is not the end. If those who died had accepted Jesus as Savior, we will see them again. there is hope and yet, still; we will hurt. We will miss them. We will grieve. This is normal and how we are hard- wired by our Creator God to feel grief. It is okay to cry and grieve over our loss.

But, if you are on the other side of grief, the person who has not experienced the loss, what do you say? Your friend, spouse, neighbor, co- worker has lost someone and you find yourself at a loss for words. We have all been there. A simple “Sorry” doesn’t seem right. But, it is actually perfect.

My Aunt died this week so this hurt is fresh and raw. I have been jolted back to a place of sadness that I felt a few years ago when my mom died. Those familiar feelings of an empty space. Of sorrow. Of grief. And I find myself wanting to be comforted. A hug, kind words and asking me how I’m doing is what I really want.

Her death and my loss, have brought me to a place where I wanted to share what to say and not to say, when someone is grieving. I hope it will help you to know what to say. First, say sorry. Please ask how I am. Please ask how did she die. Please ask what she meant to me. Please ask if you can pray for me and what to pray. Please ask if I need anything. Please ask me to share a memory of her, and listen as I cry, laugh, and vent. Please spend time with me and not rush off because it feels uncomfortable for you; it’s uncomfortable for me too. Please ask if there is anything you can do.

And for the don’t s. Please don’t tell me she is in a better place. Don’t tell me she was old, as if it is comforting. Please don’t say as least you had a long time with her. Please don’t tell me I’ll see her again. Please don’t tell me she is at peace.

These are all true. I know it, but it is not what I need at the moment. She is fine. It is me who is grieving. Grieving takes time. It is not a quick thing. It isn’t easy. Tell me it is hard. Tell me that death is not good. Tell me it sucks. Come along side me and grieve with me. And you will not be at a loss for words. God Bless You- Nancy